How A Miscarriage Ignited My Faith To Have The Family I Desired
For years, off and on, I wondered if experiencing childhood sexual abuse destroyed my ability to have children. From age 5–10, two male family members misused my developing body. When I became sexually active, with my first boyfriend, at age 16, my mother sent me down to a clinic in Madison, Illinois. For approximately 10 years, I faithfully took birth control pills to prevent myself from getting pregnant. So, I often wondered if the combination of abuse and the length of birth control pills negated my chances of having children.
Sometime before my 20’s, I sat in my bedroom and thought about the children and husband I hoped to have someday. I wanted to have a family — a boy and girl with curly hair, preferably twins (a one and done), and a husband with green/brown eyes no more than 5 years older than me. Later on, I added more specific qualifications for the family I wanted.
In 2010, I experienced a miscarriage at 35. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I experienced symptoms the night before my Emergency Room visit. My miscarriage, along with the Bible stories of Sara and Rebecca's pregnancies, and hearing the pregnancy successes of others brightened the flame within me to have the family I wanted. Now, I knew I could get pregnant. In addition, I hung on my OBGYN words, “try again in six months.” It was time to get to work on a heart’s desire.
In the fall of 2010, after much research and the results of a positive hormonal home test, prayer, and positive affirmations, I announced to my husband that we were getting pregnant the following winter. Now, a few months before my announcement, my husband had major surgery. But, as you know, our time is not God’s time. And life experiences test our faith.
I listened (other’s pregnancy success stories). I read (articles and books), not in an obsessive way, but I was available to what the universe wanted me to know about pregnancy and motherhood. My childhood abuse experience and other life experiences taught me there is always something to learn in every experience. I never blamed anyone for my miscarriage nor doubted the possibility of getting pregnant after my miscarriage. Instead, I focused on what I wanted.
I prayed, “God if it is your will, I want to be a mother.” I used visualizations. One day, I visualized a boy and a girl running down our hallway in our Ohio condo. Now, I know in the next lifetime to visualize kids walking instead of…