Blaming My Father Was Not The Answer

As you know, anger, fear, guilt, shame, resentment, vengeance, and their magnetizing companions can feel unbearable at times. But, I knew that after the sexual abuse secret was out, I had to do something. I didn’t want to end up doing to others what the two family members did to me. Although my family and I continued to live close to J and S (the two family members who sexually abused me), I had to part ways from my entire experience with childhood sexual abuse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

It’s easy to blame others for their actions and inactions, but I realized blaming adds more weight to the load that I am already carrying.

Sometime after the secret was out, I was walking in the middle of our street one day. A thought came to me. If my father were around, maybe the abuse would not have happened. Within a matter of seconds, I came to my sense, for there were no guarantees that my father’s presence would have saved me. He was consumed with his internal battles.

Now, I was still angry at my father, for my mother struggled to provide a roof over our head, feed us, and other necessities of life.

But, eventually, the anger towards my father turned into compassion because I knew his absence was not about me, my mother, or my brothers. For years, anger covered up the love I felt for him…